Tag Archives: Depression

Merciful Days: Beautiful Words

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Ps 119v103“Your test results are really good.” My doctor smiled.

Oh what words!

I am one year and five months into a medical treatment that is projected to last for three to five years.  It feels like each day of the past one year and five months has been giant.  It’s been a fight.  One step forward and two steps back.  Battling an illusive monster.  It’s been quite a year… and five months.

My doctor is the only human who really knows what my past one year and five months has been like.  She has become very precious to me.  I long to see her.  She is my coach.  My trainer in this long race.  My cheerleader.  My advocate.  She knows my enemy.  She knows my story.  She knows how far I’ve come.  She is in the valley with me.  I have come to love her.

Her smiling words were so full.  Full of understanding and celebration. I have been so desperate to hear words like this.

Her words mean so much because she knows so much about me.  Her words carry more weight than any others.  Her words give me strength, joy, energy, focus, hope.

I’m thinking about my true Coach. Trainer. Cheerleader. Advocate. Guide. Mentor. Savior. Father. Shepherd. Hope.

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Enjoy The Time

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Ps 23v5bIt was a terrible sad cry. A mix of pain and desperation. It was coming from our child at 6:30am.

I brought her into my room so she wouldn’t wake her brother. I consoled her and she calmed down enough for me to ask why she was crying.

“I want it to be seven-thirty but it’s not… (wailing sobs began again)”

7:30 is play time. When her little digital clock says “7-3-0,” she knows that quiet time is over and play time begins.  Today 7-3-0 is coming too slowly.  Today 6-3-0 is unbearable.

Oh my sweet child. 

“There is nothing we can do to speed up time or skip ahead. You need to be able to relax and enjoy the time it is.” My words were not just for her.

Sigh. How often I do this. Wanting to be in a different season. A fun season. A season of playing and joy.  How often I lament the season I’m in.

This week I’ve been side-swiped by three days of weird doctor appointments. Each day another wave barreled over us.  And I am squirming against the oppressive weight of this week.

It feels unbearable.

After my daughters tears this morning, I have decided to do something practical today.

Amidst administering doses of medications to the three of us at home, I’m baking a cake.  A cake that we can all eat and enjoy.  Gluten-Free, Dairy-Free, Sugars-Free, Soy-Free, Rice-Free, Oat-Free, Metal-Free.

Today, my friends, I am going to sit down and eat cake.  I am not going to clean the bathrooms.  I am not going to do laundry.  I am not going to work on anything.  I am not going to push and strive against this season. Today I can’t. I would wail. I would lament.

Instead, I am going to relax and enjoy the time it is.  I’m at home with my two little ones.  We are too sick to go anywhere.  But we can eat some cake.

I am not saying that the way to approach hardship is to do nothing and eat cake.  I’m just saying that today, that’s what I feel to do.

I’m going to enjoy the time it is.

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The cake is cooked.  The kids are having their rest time.  The sun is shining.  And I feel good.

Funny thing is, baking a cake has changed me.  I was overwhelmed.  But now I feel hopeful.

Slowing down and enjoying my season has given me the joy and energy I was craving.

I think I’ll do a load of laundry. 🙂

You revive my drooping head; my cup brims with blessing. (Psalm 23:5b MSG)

Irresistibly Drawn

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I am not a fan of the ho-hum of life. Day after day life keeps rolling by.  And I get the blues just thinking about it.

This has been growing and growing in my heart and this week I spent big chunks of time feeling unshakably discouraged about life.  I have experienced depression in the past and I do not want to go there again.  Unfortunately I’m not alone in this.  My husband is feeling this way too.  Usually we are able to give each other strength and encouragement.  But not in this.  We are both feeling that we’re on the edge of depression.

The past three years have been a marathon.  We’ve seen amazing provision from God and we are so humbled and encouraged by the many miracles we’ve experienced.  All of our needs have been met.  Food turning up on our doorstep.  Bills being paid by friends and also by people we barely know.  Generous gifts of money, clothes, gift cards and so much more.  It really has been remarkable.  Yet, we are not finding the joy of life that we know God has for us.

It’s just that, after all these years, we aren’t seeing an end to the drudgery of this life.  My husband works and works and is so tired.  But to what end?  Just to earn enough to pay our basic bills.  We’ve been so dedicated and focused to our budget but the Dave Ramsey diet is hard to do when there’s very little “getting ahead”.  At this rate we’ll be in this state of treading water for years and years to come.  And it’s making us sad.

My family hasn’t met our 16 month old son and I haven’t met my two Aussie nieces.  I would so love to see my parents again.  I need to get my wisdom teeth out.   Our daughter is the age to be going to preschool.  We haven’t had time off together as a family for years.  We would love to be home owners some day.  All of these things, and our other dreams, seem totally out of reach.  And it’s making us sad.

I know, I know.  Most of the world lives on way less and would never have access to the opportunities we have.  I know.  And yet, I don’t think these dreams and desires are bad.  I feel very strongly that this sadness should not be dismissed or discounted.

As we chatted, he worked out that the sadness is actually because we’re craving adventure.  For years we got to do awesome adventurous things with the youth group.  Now we’re feeling our wings are clipped physically, emotionally and spiritually.  There is a deep yearning for something more than this life we have.  Like we were made to do something but we’re not doing it.

Yesterday was my final day of Beth Moore’s study of James called “Mercy Triumphs”.  One of passages Beth referred to in the closing video teaching was Acts 20.  The words grabbed my heart and something deep has been stirred up in me.

And now I am going to Jerusalem, drawn there irresistibly by the Holy Spirit,  not knowing what awaits me, except that the Holy Spirit has told me in city after city that jail and suffering lie ahead. But my life is worth nothing unless I use it for doing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus — the work of telling others the Good News about God’s wonderful kindness and love.  Acts 20:22-24 (Emphasis added)

Yes!  This is the feeling I’ve been craving.  The irresistible drawing of the Holy Spirit!  The life that is full of worth from doing the work Jesus gives me.  Ahhhh yes that’s the joy I’m missing.

I texted my amazing husband during the study: “Acts 20:22-24 says “I am… drawn irresistibly.”  I think the hole we are feeling could be a calling… Are we being drawn to something? Is God wooing us to the next season? Are we being prepared so we will be ready to say ‘yes’ when He calls us?”

I have this new hope growing in my heart.  I feel like this sadness and dissatisfaction with our life is a gift.  It is a field that is being plowed and prepared to be planted with a new crop.  The dirt is crying out for the seed.   Our sadness is a vacuum looking for an answer.

I feel like I understand the reason why people can have a “mid-life crisis”.  I need something to spice up my life!  And now I stand with a choice:  Fill it with the stuff of life OR wait for the irresistible drawing of the Holy Spirit to the things Jesus is calling us to.

As much as I’d like to go blow a bunch of money on things to spice up my life… I’m going to choose to wait for the plans of God.  It hurts to even type that right now.  I think I’m going to have to choose it daily, moment by moment.

There is nothing wrong with having things, going on trips, filling our lives with good and fun adventures…. UNLESS it keeps us from being ready and able to hear the call of Jesus for our lives.

Selah.

When I think of the wisdom and scope of God’s plan, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father,  the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will give you mighty inner strength through his Holy Spirit. And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God’s marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope. May he be given glory in the church and in Christ Jesus forever and ever through endless ages. Amen.  Ephesians 3:14-21 (Emphasis added)

How are you? Are you in a season of waiting?  Are you at a crossroads of choice: spice your life up yourself OR wait on God’s call?  What dreams do you feel God stirring in your heart?  Do you sense you were made for a purpose?