It’s an interesting dance. Knowing God is good but battling with illness and pain. Knowing that marriage is about serving my husband but being consumed with serving our children and my health care instead. Knowing that God fills our lives with blessings but enduring so much that feels like the opposite of blessing.
To some this will sound like a big old whine (Aussie: whinge) but I don’t write this to gather sympathy or to elicit advice. Please, no great words of wisdom needed. I’m simply sharing my journey.
One of my hardest battles the past few years is with contentment.
In 2009, My husband and I lost our long-term jobs the same day. We began living one day at a time and saw many many miracles of provision. Three years later things have improved to the point that we’re living one month at a time. Vast improvement from the day-to-day struggle. But it’s still exhausting. He can’t take any time off because it would mean loss of vital income. And now I’m working part-time to try to cover my medical bills.
I have many sweet and wonderful friends who are walking a different path. They own homes. They take vacations. They can afford preschool. And sometimes… well, often… I feel sad for my little family. I wish my husband didn’t have to work so hard for us to make ends meet. I wish we could have a home. I wish things were just easier financially.
Today I was feeling a bit down. Sad about the feeling that we’re treading water with no end in sight. Joint and hand pain has flared up. Husband and kids need to be tested for this disease too but at $290 a pop I don’t know how. I can’t, for the life of me, find the energy to work out how to do this sugar-free gluten-free dairy-free life. Our apartment complex is for sale and the uncertainty smacks me sometimes. And I miss my Mum.
Today I discovered a blog. http://www.prayforian.com/
The story of this husband and wife is incredible. I am totally blown away by their courage and love.
(May 10, 2011)
open your eyes so you can see the road
in that moment, i realized that i needed to do in my heart what i was telling ian to do with his wheelchair. it was a particularly hard day, with words like plateau and baseline thrown in to a conversation about ian’s progress (or lack of) and i found myself thrown into spiraling thoughts, fearing ian’s future, fearing physical decline, fearing that i won’t be able to give my husband what he needs. and while i was thinking of all of those things, i had my eyes closed to anything beautiful. before we left for our walk, i told ian that i needed to see god. i needed to see him in way that would refresh my thoughts that god is still here and god still makes beauty in the midst of our ugly mess. i needed to have my eyes opened to the beauty that was around the road, not the road itself. the beauty that was ahead of the road, not the potholes that we had to steer around.
Praise the LORD! How good it is to sing praises to our God! How delightful and how right!He heals the brokenhearted, binding up their wounds. He counts the stars and calls them all by name. How great is our Lord! His power is absolute! His understanding is beyond comprehension! He covers the heavens with clouds, provides rain for the earth, and makes the green grass grow in mountain pastures. He feeds the wild animals, and the young ravens cry to him for food. The strength of a horse does not impress him; how puny in his sight is the strength of a man. Rather, the LORD’s delight is in those who honor him, those who put their hope in his unfailing love. (Psalm 147:1-11 edited)